Your Questions About How To Save Your Marriage

admin answers:

This is a terrible situation. It sounds like you have a great deal of love for your children, and somehow I suspect you do actually love your husband. Unfortunately he, on the other hand, is “tired”. This isn’t the kind of scenario you envisioned, is it?

I think really he should be looking at his children fondly and actively. He’s younger than me and I can tell you that he’s indeed fortunate to have a wife who, I think honestly does care; and to have children that probably love him to pieces.

He needs to stop drinking altogether. Getting wasted and vegging is not the answer here. What’s making him tired is his inability to express himself to you in a loving manner and be the strong father and husband you want him to be; and obviously he must’ve been at one time recently — as you have a 5 month old. So I am guessing within the last 15 months or less, he found some alone time for you?

Seriously, I would wonder here if he understands that you are there, and the kids are there. As a family there’s ways to make it so that you and he can be happy together, and share time both with each other and with the kids as a family. He’s not that old. He may think he is because of the beer. But realistically, he’s got to look at you and realize that just being “comfortable” in his EZ chair chugging brew isn’t enough to make life better for you as a family and as a couple.

The fact that you want to save your marriage tells me a lot. First it means that you really do love him, but you just can’t respect a couch potato. Without that respect there, him throwing decision making on your back and taking virtually no responsibility for anything, including your happiness — that’s just downright ignoring and neglecting you and the kids.

He needs to wake up. This isn’t going to get any easier or better. Nagging him won’t help either. But the real issue is what would he do if for instance you found someone to deal with your needs? Then what? Would he wake up then?

Seriously if he loves you as he says he does, then he’s going to have to make changes in his habits and behavior to meet your needs and the kids’ needs. Otherwise, you’re just going to lump him in with the kids and treat him that way. And then what? Are you raising 3 or 4 kids?

It sounds from what you’ve written that he’s indeed very fortunate. And it also seems you’ve suddenly found self-esteem and self-respect which is good. This is something he hasn’t seen before and maybe has no clue how to deal with it. Educate him. Drag him to counseling.

That’s what’s important. Yes your kids need their father. You need your husband. He’s both father and husband. He’s also in his forties and should know that by now. If not, you married a teenager in a grown-up’s body.

admin answers:

You wrote that [he] “said it was because he felt I was ignoring him and she actually made him feel good.”

I think what he’s trying to tell you is that he feels you’ve drifted away from him, and he started feeling lonely in the marriage. And another woman was starting to fill the void.

The thing is, regardless of religion, a man has to know that his wife not only loves him, but desires him. Wants to see him happy.

Here’s the key to fixing this issue, since he appears to be receptive.

Try talking about the needs you both have. The desires that you both have. Be honest about it. Stop worrying about whether he was talking to or even having sex with some other woman. Right now the issue is not some emotional or physical affair; it’s what it is that you both need to strengthen in your marriage as people. How you relate to each other and communicate things that are vital to each of you individually that makes it good to be a couple and together.

It could simply be, as he said, that he feels ignored or taken for granted. I mean getting up in the morning, going to work, and busting butt to bring home the bacon, feed the kids, deal with all the issues, and then at the end of the day not even have someone cuddle and make it better …. That can be pretty devastating. Its like the only thing he has is pain, and no pleasure.

It isn’t just sex. Its the entire lack of intimacy. The inability to feel free to tell you want he wants or needs without feeling he might get his head kicked in for it, or worry about losing you and the kids.

So the attachment to the other woman gave him an outlet. A way to fill the needs that went unfulfilled at home.

Likewise, if you aren’t telling him things that are important to you, and offering to heal each other, to fill the voids in each other’s hearts and lives, then you will certainly drift apart.

Every human being, man and woman, children too, we all have deep-seated needs. Likely he feels he’s lost that innocence, the ability to talk about anything with you without feeling like it might hurt him in the end.

The guilt, the shame, the neglect, the feeling used, the emotional abandonment, it can all take a toll.

Most affairs start with neglect and feeling used or taken for granted. Men and women both experience that desire to feel important to someone. Special.

When he feels you no longer think of him as being special in your life, then yes, he might just stray to someone who will make him feel special.

admin answers:

Rather than complaining, use requests. You don’t say what he does that annoys you, but whatever it is, think of a compromise solution, and then ask him to please do that instead.

Also, I think you would do well to pick up a self help book about communication skills. If your husband can make you believe you’re complaining about nothing, you either don’t understand yourself very well what you were trying to say, or else you are very poor at expressing it. In either case, improving your communication skills would help you.

admin answers:

While I would applaud the desire to keep your pants on until marriage, I think kissing is fine to both experience and refine the skill prior to marriage.

I also think the idea of saving the “real kiss” for marriage and pretending that you didn’t just kiss someone is self-delusion…….while the kiss may have had no meaning for either party in an acting scene, it did still happen so to deny that is foolishness.

admin answers:

Look honey, if your not happy what’s the point. You should know that without love, life is meaningless. You should confront your parents and tell them how you feel. If they still don’t understand, oh well. Follow your heart. Who cares what other people think, be yourself and try to find that perfect someone.

Good luck with that